WALMART & WONDERBRAS — MOMENTS OF PAUSE is BACK! |

Pizza Rat, my soulmate

Welcome to Moments of Pause, a weekly catalogue of whatever’s been needling you: a list of all the things so odd/pertinent/funny/serious/catchy/confusing that you just had to write down your feelings, put them to song, and promptly re-record a doo-wop cover. For our 1st edition of the year (!!!!!), here is a collage of the very important things that stuck in our illustrious editors’ brains this past week, those shiver-inducing gag-reflexive oh-so-edifying moments of pause that define life (OR IS IT) in the 21st Century.

1. Bringing Home the Bacon – Alec Arcenaux, Literature Editor

I find it both puzzling and deeply upsetting that over the last few weeks I have had to be the one to bring up David Cameron in conversation. I even had the (incredibly enjoyable) task of having to inform people of the recent news. In case you haven’t heard, Lord Ashcroft (this is the name of a real person and not a Battlestar Galactica character apparently) wrote a biography in which he mentions in passing that he has seen photos of David Cameron, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, sticking his dick in the mouth of a dead pig while at university.*

How is this not the first thing that everybody talks about every day? Have we become so world-weary and cynical that nothing titillates us? A leader of the free (ahem) world was fellated by a dead pig. That’s the greatest news I’ve ever heard. We live in such an incredible time, and I’m trying my best to spread the gospel. ALl I ask is that you take this information and let it into your heart, let it wash over you. Scream from the mountains: “Britain’s run by a boor who porked a pig!” Live every day comfortable in the absurdity that surrounds us, specifically the necrobestiality related absurdity.

*naturally the allegations haven’t been “proven” or anything and Cameron’s camp “denies” it but that’s exactly what I would say if I had fucked a pig

2. It’s a small world — Loralee Sepsey, Performance Editor

Saturday morning, I woke up to find a small pumpkin pie in my mini fridge. I guess I picked it up during my inebriated Friday night stumble from the Row to GovCo, where I conveniently pass the Axe and Palm and spend all my meal plan dollars. I loved the little pumpkin pie in my mini fridge. Everything is so small here. The pies. The fridges. The waists. But that’s okay. Some small things are okay. But big things are okay too. Sometimes it’s hard to accept that. I’m working on it.

3. You(tube) and Me — Nikki Tran, Culture Contributor of the Year

This past summer, during the lulls of my self-designed internship (re: living at home, watching TV for “research,” and quietly judging middle schoolers from my bedroom window), I spent more hours on Youtube than I care to confess. Admittedly, I already do this on a regular basis, but there is nothing quite like sifting through eight uninterrupted hours of tiny cooking or tortoise footage. Still, this is not what I tell people when they ask me about my summer. Instead, I overcompensate by talking about going to the beach and reading and seeing friends and family – all of which are true, but why isn’t Youtube enough? I guess something can be said about how our time here is limited and thus the need to spend it on worthwhile pursuits, but don’t tell me that this wasn’t worthy of your time:

4. Full of Hot Air — Matthew Libby, Film Editor

Leonardo DiCaprio is making a movie about the Volkswagen scandal.

ALREADY.

This is almost as rushed as… well, as a Volkswagen emissions report.

5. Power Bottom Redefined — Bojan Srb, Editor in Chief

Yikes. There’s a distinct smell of self-loathing in the air.

6. Family Values — Eric Eich, Unusually-Shaped Party Planner

I went to Walmart on Saturday afternoon (terrible idea) and was LITERALLY trapped in the crafts aisle between two gay teen gangs’ overflowing carts when I heard a small voice on the other side of the store, slowly growing louder and louder. A high pitched voice. An elderly voice. “WHETHER YOU ARE A JEW A CATHOLIC OR A PRESBYTERIAN,” she bellowed, “YOU WILL AGREE THAT I HAVE NOT SINNED! PLEASE WRITE TO THE GOVERNOR AND DEMAND THAT I AM REMOVED FROM THE REGISTERED SEX OFFENDERS LIST! I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH A CHILD!!!” This she repeated about five times.

I covertly removed the Zwieback and Pampers from my shopping cart and fled.

7. Party City — Katie Nesser, Visual Art Editor

Halloween is fast approaching, and with it, my yearly anxiety about costumes. What am I this year? A sexy (insert profession here)? Some culturally relevant in-joke to prove I’m on Twitter? A basic cat/witch/angel/demon? I’m pretty sure I’ve made fun of people for wearing all of these costumes (I might just be evil though). In the past I’ve lied and said, yes, Halloween is great because everyone lets their inner freak come out and party, but is anyone really doing that, or are we all just silently hoping no one is judging us for our costume choice?

Trick or treat, I need to stress-eat.

8. Ode à le Métro — Ale Salazar, Music Editor

Walk, walk, walk. Walk faster, walk down the stairs, walk into a turnstile, jump over the turnstile. Walk up stairs, walk down broken escalators, walk while breathing heavily, try to play it off casually. You’re in shape, you swear.

The sudden sound of whirring, clanging, screeching brakes-run! Run, run, run, don’t be late; dammit, your hair’s ruined.

Slip through the closing car doors. Stumble as the train starts to move. Try to play it off casually again, rookie move, just give up now (you know nothing).

Alternate eye contact between judgmental older couple or hot stranger. Opt to avoid all eye contact in the end, too much pressure.

Look out for transfer station. Push through the masses. Follow the arrows, follow the crowd; be honest, you haven’t memorized the station layout and you probably never will. Walk, walk, walk. You need to catch that next train.

Intend to repeat, accidentally exit the station instead. Merde.

9. Creamy Squirrel — Justine Beed, Multimedia Editor

You sometimes wonder, wandering back home, about how it might just be you. That you weren’t cool enough for this kid who talked fast and dangled cigarettes from his mouth, balancing them on his chin. You wonder, why, after a night or two of hooking up with a practical, actual stranger that you feel hurt by the idea that he didn’t want you as much as you wanted him. So, like a wounded squirrel, you scamper back home looking up to a black, cloudy, milky sky and ask yourself again and again. When? The nighttime can’t tell time, but you look up anyway. Now tell me why I was not good enough. And when I will be. You lift up your small scratched paws and pretend to weigh the sky. Your heart is light, it floats… up on out of your furry chest, and your chest feels light, but your head is like cream.

10. Peek-a-Boo!!! — Big Britt, Modestly Bosomed Culture Editor

Ads for maternity bras. Hmm. So difficult to strike a balance between sexy, nurturing, and yummy (depending on who’s looking at it….Baby has an opinion too!). The existential implications of the so-called “milking flap” abound…. it’s all about that grand reveal, like a G-rated striptease for a rather wiggly audience. Who said heterosexuality wasn’t fun??