The Index: NOW That’s What I Call Music! 14 by Various Artists

now that's

Volunteer critics listen to an album in its entirety while discussing music and life.

Sobriety is optional.

This week: NOW That’s What I Call Music! 14 by Various Artists

Year that this album came out: 2003

Number of critics: 7

Percentage of critics under the influence: 85.7

Percentage of critics, mercifully, that have heard of this album: 100

Critics excited to watch a Youtube Playlist of the album, since this author doesn’t have the album: 5

Haters: 2

Percentage of haters who change their mind after seeing that the first video is Beyonce’s ‘Crazy in Love’: 100

Album sales, in millions, of Beyonce’s album Dangerously in Love that  features ‘Crazy in Love’: 11

Age difference, in years, between this author and Beyonce when she dropped that song: 0

Time this author takes to reevaluate his life and the progress he has made thus far, in seconds: 36

Critics who recognized Justin Timberlake on back up vocals on The Black Eyed Peas’  ‘Where is the Love?’: 0

Price for a gallon of unleaded gas in the music video, in dollars: 1.85

Critics who quickly googled Mya after watching her ‘My Love is Like…Wo’ video: 4

Time into video that a critic left unexpectedly, in minutes: 1:43

Critics surprised that he left during a video that launched this author into puberty: 5

Main characters of HBO’s ‘The Wire’ who appeared as the love interest in the ‘Never Leave You (Uh Oh)’ video: 1 (RIP Bodie)

Critics who recognized Busta Rhymes and Fabolous, respectively, alongside Lumidee on the remix: 1, 2

Time spent discussing and explaining what a ‘key’ is in music, in minutes: 8

Number of critics who believe that if you haven’t finished your wish before 11:12, your wish doesn’t count: 2

Number of critics who believed ‘Shake Ya Tailfeather‘ was in the Will Smith film, ‘Shark Tale’: 1

Time into R. Kelly’s ‘Thoia Thoing‘ that a critic realizes he is having an allergic reaction to kiwi he is eating, in minutes: 1.7

Critics who believe that 16 year old Bow Wow was a more respectable than 16 year old Justin Bieber: 4

Ratio of Bieber to Bow Wow album sales: 3:1

Time, in minutes, since last allergy-related comment that it takes reacting critic to ask for a benadryl or an epi-pen: 6

Percentage of critics who agree that Justin Timberlake is really good looking in the ‘Senorita‘ video: 100

Critics who think it would be hilarious if the allergy-suffering critic ended up looking like Will Smith in Hitch: 4

Time, in minutes, that this critic misses from the review to attend to his wounds: 25

Critics who reply in the affirmative when a critic asks if anyone has eye drops: 3

Critics whose first recognized song is ‘(There’s Gotta Be) More To Life‘ by Stacie Orrico: 1

Smirnoff Ices consumed by an ambitious critic following a keenly maneuvered Ice block: 2

Octaves dropped by female voices while singing call and response verses of ‘Stacy’s Mom’: 2

Critics who claim they watched this incredibly sexual video with their parents: 1

Percentage of critics who didn’t know ‘Late Registration’ last week that sing every word to ‘Girls and Boys‘ by Good Charlotte: 100

Percentage of same critics who squealed at Liz Phair’s ‘Why Can’t I?’: 100

Critics who believe that Nickelback should only be played at loud volumes: 1

Number of judgmental looks said critic receives: 4

Comments from the allergy-afflicted critic regarding the numbness of his tongue: 3

How many doors down: 3

Critics who believe the lead singer of 3 Doors Down looks like Theon Greyjoy from Game of Thrones: 4

Critics who ask to nip the Game of Thrones discussion in the bud: 1

Critics who claim that they don’t get hungry when they smoke, they just “like the idea of food more”: 1

Approximate daily servings of saturated fat consumed in chocolate form during review: 6

Number of kiwis that will be served at the next review: 0

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