A stranger vommed on my knee last week.
It was really gross and I’m still salty about it.
It’s one thing if a comrade voms on my knee while we’re yukking it up in a fine fraternal establishment, but this was a STRANGER. Who knows what was in this driddie[1]’s diet? She might be the type that digs up Popeye’s fish fillet sandwiches from garbage cans! Like a raccoon, a dirty barfing raccoon. Eugh.
Also, drawty[2] wasn’t even at a frat party! She was going hard at a City and Colour concert at the Fox Theater in Oakland.
Okay, City and Colour is a little bit on the obscure side, but they have that one song that everyone knows the chorus to:
And when you cry a piece of my heart dies/Knowing that I might have been the cause/If you were to leave and fulfill someone else’s dreams/I think I might be totally lost.
Not gonna lie, the lyrics are a lil’ gooey on that one… but it’s catchy. Real catchy.
It was the one song I felt comfortable pretending to know all the words to.
City and Colour is basically Sufjan Stevens or a maybe slightly more enthusiastic Iron and Wine. It’s the kind of music you listened to in high school when you were doing your BC Calc homework on your bathroom floor and you couldn’t see the “plus C’s” anymore because tears were blurring your vision. [3]
It’s calming.
Which begs the question: who chooses to get fucked up for a concert of soul-stirring lyrics and pleasant guitar sounds?! They spell “color” with an extra “u”! Vomming at a “City and Color” concert is socially acceptable; vomming at a “City and Colour” concert is not.
The one perk about having a stranger projectile vomit on you and your immediate surroundings is that it leaves a four foot by three foot chunk of space in front of you. No jostling. No tall men in fedoras blocking your vision. Just beautiful vomit filled space.
It’s possible that the vomitter in question suffered from motion sickness and not drunk-bitchness as I have repeatedly insinuated. The stage lights were a lot. Lotta flashing. Lotta blinking. Lotta lights.
Sorry to get technical. (I definitely thought about majoring in Electrical Engineering, but it would just be so hard to fit that in what with my ChemE/CS double whammy and my daily siestas.)
It was a concert I will never forget.
Because I got barfed on.
The music was nice too.
Am I getting my ticket reimbursed, Arts Review?
[1] Driddie n. : a drunk biddie of the highest order
[2] Drawty n. : a drunk shawty of the highest order
[3] I’m assuming this was a universal experience, and not one that will alienate me even further from my more mathematically adept peers. How many of you ME majors can crochet, huh? THOUGHTSO.
(‘16, English) is from Minneapolis, “The Pittsburgh of the Midwest.”