No Mayo, Please: Moments of Pause II

Welcome to Moments of Pause, a weekly catalogue of whatever’s been needling you: a list of all the things so odd/pertinent/funny/serious/catchy/confusing that you just had to turn down Adele to ponder WHO STILL HAS A LANDLINE?! For our 2nd edition of the year (!!!!!), here is a collage of the very important things that stuck in our illustrious contributors’ brains this past week, those shiver-inducing gag-reflexive oh-so-edifying moments of pause that define life (OR IS IT) in the 21st Century.

1. O, Canada! — Loralee, Theatre Editor

My best friend/soulmate/partner in crime/gravy to my cheese curds is Canadian, so I spend a lot of time thinking about Canada. On the 19th, Canada held their federal elections, and, finally, after nearly TEN MOOSE-FUCKING YEARS, the Conservative party and their beady-eyed mole leader Stephen Harper are finally out of power.Check out this John Oliver special on it.

Who were they replaced by, you ask?

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This babe.

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Justin Trudeau.
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That’s right, not only does the Liberal Party have a MASSIVE majority of the seats in the Canadian Parliament now and will institute a series of (hopefully) awesome reforms, Canada’s winters will now raise 20 C in temperature because of their new Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.

In other completely 100% unrelated news, I’m moving to Ottawa to become Canada’s first First Lady. All hail the Great White North!

2.The Star Wars Trailer Overcomes — Alex Bowen Chang

THEY GAVE THE BLACK PROTAGONIST STORMTROOPER A LIGHTSABER. I don’t even care how good the film is anymore. They just better not kill off this man. I cannot communicate how unhappy i will be if he is killed.

 

3. Stale & Difficult — Nikki Tran, Culture Contributor of the Year

Pack your bags, grab the Slim Jims, and get the hell out of California!!!

If venomous sea snakes, cluster shark sightings, aggressive nonnative mosquitos, an imminent flood, and a prophesized earthquake haven’t convinced you that the Golden State has lost its luster, then this will surely rattle you to your core: Fresh & Easy is closing, forever.

For those unfamiliar with the grocery landscape of the West, Fresh & Easy is an upscale 7-11. I shopped there once when I was twelve during which I was mesmerized by Hello Kitty-shaped pasta, but left empty handed because the self-checkout lane stressed me out. It was a very formative moment.

Oh, Cali, how you’ve changed.

4. Slurp — Chase Porter

Do you ever just think about where your tongue is in your mouth?

I’m going to think about this for the rest of the week.

This is almost as rushed as… well, as a Volkswagen emissions report.

5. THE NERVE — Bojan Srb, Editor in Chief

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6. Tom of Finland — Ned Hardy(boy)

A fun game I’ve been playing at the gym recently is “Gay or Foreign?” where you stare at attractive men working out in magenta tank tops and try to determine if they’re homosexual brethren or just kinda scandinavian.

7. HELLO — Siena Strieber

Adele. “25.” Finally. The album I have been waiting for, breathing for, since the British bombshell dropped “21” in 2011.  The source of any and all of my musical inspiration. Each dramatic breath in “Hello,” her first single off of the album, has invigorated me to pick up my guitar and write again, to open the blinds and scream at the top of my lungs. Her music soars above us, whispering, “I’m back.” So thank you, Adele, for turning week 5 into a flourishing time of tears and self-discovery. For all of us.

8. No, really, tell me (Gil)more — Analyssa Lopez

Hey, did you know Gilmore Girls is coming back? Did you see the same article about it float down your Facebook newsfeed at least fifteen times the day the news was announced? Did you read all the listicles of “reasons we’re excited Gilmore Girls is coming back” that was basically just a bunch of Lorelai gifs? Did you read about howEmily Gilmore should be reinvented as a late-in-life lesbian (no seriously, did you, you should actually maybe read that one)?

I’m like, super happy for all the Gilmore Girls super fans that are ~finally~ getting a ribbon tied around the gift that was Amy Sherman-Palladino’s fast-talking mother-daughter duo, but um. If I want to find out what happens to a conventionally attractive, slightly boring, high-strung over-achiever after she graduates college? There are a number of young alumni tailgates I could attend this weekend to answer any and all of my questions.

…I mean, okay, yes, fiiiine, I’m certainly still going to binge-watch these “mini-movies” but don’t expect me to act all “Rory got accepted to Yale” about it, jeez.

9. Ham on Rye — Big Britt, Culture Editor & Light Snacker

The primacy of lunch in the life of a bureaucrat. I’ve been there and so have you. Chained to my desk at a god-awful internship, smiling because I have a secret. Yes. String cheese. SHH. She’s waiting for me, deep in my bag. Sometimes egg salad saves a life. And then to find that Hershey’s kiss in the far corner of my lunchbox….the tears flow freely, and so sweet.

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