Introducing: Dear Flabby

DEMON ABBY

We all need a little help sometimes. For all of life’s struggles, The Stanford Arts Review is pleased to introduce our new advice column, Dear Flabby. Always ready to share secrets and stories, Flabby is here to help you become your best self.

 

Dear Flabby,

I have a crush on one of the most popular boys in school, but I’m just a kid who tries to toe the line between the counterculture and the place where you can do actual good. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Jaundiced in JRo

 

Dear Jaundiced,

Like Woody Allen said when he married his step-daughter — the heart wants what the heart wants. You should pursue this hottie! And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from cinema, it’s that you should jump at the opportunity to change for a man.

All my love to you and your arm candy,

Flabby

 

* * *

 

Dear Flabby,

I’m a freshman at Stanford, currently beginning my meteoric rise in the world, and I am willing to spend every last tawdry coin I have. I believe I recently saw a faculty member on Grindr. He is part of the “Leather” and “Daddy” tribes and his about me just says “LOVE PISS” and “HAVE BIG BALLS” with every fruit emoji. Yes, even the new ones. He covered his face with his phone, but his headline is ‘polisci_prof’. What should I do to most maximize my personal gain from this opportunity?

Sincerely,

Looking Out For Number One

 

Dear Looking,

You’ve stumbled upon a pretty extraordinary situation, and the way I see it, you have two clear routes you could take, all with various outcomes. It’s lucky you’ve found a political science prof to potentially extort — he could be well-connected! The most obvious strategy is to become a sugar baby. This can get you easy As and of course, meals at all of Palo Alto’s fine culinary institutions. No more Arrillaga for this ripe young plum. Alternatively, you could pursue a purely sexual relationship and document it well, then use this evidence to blackmail your Leather Daddy. Either way, you come out on top! Or (power) bottom. You choose.

With Christian Love,

Flabby

* * *

Dear Flabby,

I think my dorm is haunted! Late at night, while I’m in bed, I hear a pair of ghostly wails next door and the sounds of furniture moving, banging against the wall in a constant rhythm. And today, I realized there was ectoplasm all over the boy’s bathroom shower drain! What should I do?

Sincerely,

Fearing the Tree

 

Dear Fearing,

Many frosh have written to me with this problem! But don’t worry, mama knows best. This spell has proven quite effective, as has banging against the wall and moaning louder than the spirit in order to assert your dominance. As for the ectoplasm, you should collect that. I hear it’s great for skin.

Boo,

Flabby

 

* * *

Dear Flabby,

My hook up last night was so weird and existential. How do I save myself from the nothing I have become?

Sincerely,

The Void

 

Dear Void,

Was that you last night? We have to stop meeting this way! Let’s get coffee and you know, actually talk sometime.

C U Next Tuesday,

Flabby

* * *

 

Dear Flabby,

Straight gal here. Last night I had been making out with a dude for around ten minutes when he suddenly announced he was gay. How do I navigate this new world of fluid sexuality without ending up as the subject of someone’s sexual experimentation, tossed aside like mere garbage after helping someone confirm that he is not attracted to women?

Sincerely,

W4M

 

Dear W4M,

You’ve found yourself in quite a pickle! You should tell this man where you found said pickle as he clearly needs help in this department. Take it as a compliment that you temporarily converted him. Years of therapy can’t do that for some folks!

Better luck next time,

Flabby

* * *

Dear Flabby,

The lure of late night possesses me again…I’ve already had four orders of mozzarella sticks this week, but I fear they’re now the only thing that can fill the fathomless void where my soul should be. What can I do to curb these cravings, and also can you help with the soul void thing too?

 

Sincerely,

d a r k n e s s  w i t h  f r i e s

 

Dear d a r k n e s s,

My mother always told me I should hang out with drug addicts to avoid binge eating! You spend all your money on your drugs, feed the void with drugs, and your drug-fueled paranoia will completely rob you of your appetite. I look forward to hearing more about your journey!

Let me know if you need connections,

Flabby

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