Rukma: Dear faithful readers: the night is dark and full of terrors, specifically of the thesis deadline variety. As such, our dear friend, witch-in-training, and Thrones enthusiast, Kasiemobi Udo Okoye will join Dylan and I for this week’s commentary. Valar morghulis!
SPOILER ALERT: The rest of this review contains spoilers for Game of Thrones Season Five, Episode Five, “Kill the Boy.”
Dylan: Yay! Dorne is in the opening credits.
Dorne: [makes no appearance in this episode]
This episode opens with Grey Worm and Ser Barristan: the former is fortunately alive, but the latter was killed by the Sons of the Harpy in last episode’s attack. Daenerys considers how to respond.
Dany: We clean out the whole city, street by street, neighborhood by neighborhood.
Kasie: When does that EVER work though.
Dany: Round up the leaders of each of Meereen’s great families and bring them to me.
Hizdahr: …but I’m the leader of my family.
Rukma: She’s totally going to feed you to her dragons.
Close! She feeds another guy to her dragons instead.
Rukma: Dany speaking in Valyrian is my type.
Dylan: But you hate Dany!
Rukma: So? I’m attracted to her on a visceral level.
Kasie: Visceral? Like you’re attracted to her liver?
Dylan: This is so dumb. Dany just antagonized this guy’s family forever.
Rukma: Have I not established in all of our previous reviews that Dany and sound political decisions don’t go together?
Much further north at the Wall, Sam and Aemon Targaryen (really old blind dude in the Night’s Watch) talk about Daenerys. It’s boring. Jon Snow comes in. Still boring.
Jon Snow: How do you feel?
Aemon Targaryen: Like a hundred year old man slowly freezing to death.
Dylan: Me af.
Later, in his office, Jon Snow tries to negotiate a deal with the wildlings and fails. Still boring, so we mostly just talked over it.
Dylan: Is that Mance Rayder?
Rukma: No, that’s Tormund. Jon Snow killed Mance Rayder in episode one. Remember, you said he ruined the show?
Dylan: Ugh, all Wildlings look alike. Sorry, was that racist?
Kasie: Just refer to everyone by their beard color.
Jon Snow: I’m the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.
Dylan: YES, we know, stop bragging.
Kasie: He’s said that like four times.
Rukma: Guys, he’s just unsure of himself so he’s repeating things. It’s like when I repeat, “I can finish my thesis.”
Jon Snow: Maybe you’re just a coward.
Tormund: [stands up and gets in Jon Snow’s face]
Kasie: Kiss. Kiss! Jon Snow’s definitely got a thing for redheads.
Rukma: True. Ygritte, Melisandre, and Tormund. Which redhead is the best?
Dylan: You know I love Melisandre.
Rukma: I’m gonna champion Ygritte.
Dylan: Ygritte annoyed the fuck out of me.
Rukma: Poor Ygritte!
Dylan: I mean, I guess she was better than Jon Snow. But that’s not hard.
Rukma: Oh my god, Ygritte was a decent feminist character on Game of Thrones, okay?
Kasie: But I get annoyed when a show thinks ‘she’s feminist and independent!’ means she’s angry and rude and yells all the time. Can anyone ever be quietly assured of their powerful femininity? Just for variety? [This contributor would like to note that she later remembered Cersei was a thing. Everyone just be Cersei.]
Rukma: Is Tormund going to tell Jon Snow he knows nothing?
Tormund: You’re the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.
Dylan: WE KNOW! Stop reminding us!
Kasie: It’s like, there are so many other characters on this show whose names and functions I actually need to be reminded of. Put it on your LinkedIn page and move on, Jon.
The next scene is a raucous gathering of the Night’s Watch.
Rando: The wildlings killed Grenn!
Dylan: Who the fuck is Grenn?
Rukma: He’s Jon Snow’s groupie!
Dylan: How the hell do you remember all of this?
Kasie: I thought his name was Ollie.
Rukma: No, Jon Snow has lots of groupies. There’s Ollie, and Pyp, and Grenn, and Edd…
Kasie: Can they not all sound like Cream of Wheat toppings?
Rukma: I didn’t write this fucking book, contact George R. R. Martin.
Ollie: The wildlings burned my village. They put an arrow through my father’s head, right in front of me. They butchered my mother and everyone I ever knew.
Rukma: Are you really trying to play a game of ‘My Life is Sadder’ with Jon fucking Snow?!
Kasie: Also, aren’t you eight? Don’t you have hay to shuck?
Rukma: Or women to bang?
Dylan: True, we did see Tommen and Margaery go at it two episodes ago.
Kasie: I refuse to believe that they actually had coitus.
Rukma: Kasie, do you even watch this show?
Dylan: Lol, in which it is revealed that Kasie has never seen Game of Thrones before.
Meanwhile, Brienne and Podrick are still stalking Sansa just outside Winterfell. The three of us argue about whether or not Podrick is attractive (consensus: he is).
Kasie: How does Brienne have the money to just stay in this hotel?
Rukma: Jaime gave her fuck tons of Lannister gold to go on her Sansa rescue mission.
Dylan: Does Jaime even care about Sansa? Or does he just care about Brienne?
Rukma: It’s all part of Jaime Lannister’s repentance journey. He’s trying to become a better person.
Dylan: Or maybe just less awful.
Also, Ramsay Bolton and his very nude girlfriend, Myranda, are quarreling in a tower.
Dylan: Has he not, I dunno, flayed her yet?
Kasie: No, they flayed a girl together, remember?
Myranda: Do you think Sansa is pretty?
Ramsay: Um, ya, I’m not blind.
Dylan: Good answer. Also, I don’t care what anyone says, I think he’s hot.
Rukma: You’re creepy af.
Myranda: Maybe I’ll marry too.
Ramsay: [makes this face]
The same old woman from last time reminds Sansa that she still has friends in the north.
Kasie: Dark Sansa? Dark fairy godmother? I’m here for it. Also, my sexuality is Sansa’s shoulder feathers.
Then, Myranda approaches Sansa and then reintroduces her to Theon, a.k.a. Reek.
Myranda: I like your dress!
Kasie: If I had lived in this universe for even like, three days, I would be suspicious of unsolicited compliments.
Dylan: It is a fabulous outfit though.
Kasie: Boho goth Sansa.
When Ramsay confronts Reek about his encounter with Sansa, shit gets real fast.
Ramsay: You smell particularly ripe this evening.
Dylan: Maybe let him shower?
All three of us cower as Ramsay prepares to literally rip off Reek’s hand.
Ramsay: I forgive you.
Kasie: [weeps] Am I even going to know how to love after this show?
Later, Roose, Ramsay, Sansa, and Walda Frey (Roose’s wife) have a nice family dinner.
Walda: It must be difficult for you, being in a strange place?
Sansa: This isn’t a strange place, this is my home. It’s the people who are strange.
Kasie: Dark Sansa doesn’t give a shit.
Rukma: I would not piss off the Boltons if I were you, Sansa. He’s gonna flay you.
Dylan: Can Walda Frey have her own spin-off? I love her.
Kasie: But like, seventies sitcom style. Same costumes, different setting.
Ramsay reveals that Reek is Theon and then suggests that he give Sansa away at their wedding like the perverse (former) bastard he is. In retaliation, Roose reveals that Walda is pregz with a son, which means Ramsay might be out of an inheritance. Bye!
Dylan: Poor Sansa thinks everyone is dead, but in reality only half of her family is dead.
Kasie: Yeah! Things are so much better than she thinks!
Rukma: Well, really only Robb is dead, of her siblings.
Dylan: But both of her parents are dead. And Jon Snow is boring, so.
After dinner, Roose tells Ramsay how he brutalized his mother and almost abandoned him as a child. Despite being literally the worst person in the world, Ramsay remains loyal to his father.
Kasie: Does everyone in this show have to bond over fucked up shit?
Stannis interrupts a lovely moment between Gilly and Sam in the library. Stannis tells Sam to research the White Walkers, which it turns out Sam was already doing.
Sam: I became a man of the Night’s Watch. Far more adventure up here anyway!
Dylan: As you sit in the library doing research.
Stannis’s army finally leaves the Wall to attack Winterfell.
Kasie: Why is everything so blue at the Wall? It’s like one huge Instagram filter.
Dylan: Except for Melisandre’s red cape! Although I guess it’s more violet.
Rukma: Yeah, see? Blue plus red.
Dylan: Thank you for letting me know what colors make violet, Rukma.
Rukma: Color theory.
Rukma: Oh my god, Stannis, ride into my ovaries.
Dylan: I am going to throw up.
Rukma: Stannis is so attractive. If I had Stannis by my side I could do anything. Including write this thesis. Okay, maybe not that.
Kasie: Yeah, that’s never going to happen.
Back in Meereen, Grey Worm and Missandei share a tender, beautiful moment.
Dylan and Rukma: [collectively swoon]
Dylan: Why did we invite you.
Rukma: They are the only likeable couple on this entire show.
Kasie: What are you talking about? Gilly and Sam have a beautiful relationship.
Dylan: No, they are a far, far second.
Dany finally asks Missandei for advice instead of her hopeless male advisors.
Dany: If I give everyone what they deserve I’ll have no one left to rule.
Rukma: CAN YOU NOT? What?!
Then announces to Hizdahr that they’re getting married, surprise! Also that she’s reopening the fighting pits.
Dany: Thankfully a suitor is already on his knees.
Dylan: Yasss. I feel like the ‘Yasss Queen’ gif, anyone know what I’m talking about?
Jorah and Tyrion are still on a boat.
Dylan: They’ve been on this boat forever.
Kasie: But it’s like, they’re always in sight of land. Is this just some long river?
Tyrion: Sullen silences and an occasional punch in the face.
Kasie: #meandmyex? Woof.
Rukma: Stop trying to make woof happen, it’s never going to happen.
Tyrion: I am a person who drinks.
Rukma, Dylan, and Kasie: [all die]
The pair are sailing through Valyria, former crib of the Targaryens that was devastated by a vague disaster called the Doom. Now, though, it’s a leper colony for grayscale zombies.
Kasie: Did this episode just become The Road to El Dorado? I’m upset.
Rukma: Yeah, one of them is definitely going to get grayscale and die.
Tyrion: I would clap, but…
Dylan: Still me af.
Angsty teen dragon Drogon makes an appearance and a couple of grayscale zombies attack Tyrion and Jorah, who is now afflicted.
Kasie: Wait, this grayscale thing doesn’t make sense. What do these zombies do when there aren’t normal, non-infected people around?
Dylan: Maybe Valyria is actually a utopian society and all the zombies live in peace and prosperity. Free healthcare, no poverty…
Rukma: Grayscale is a combination of leprosy and hydrophobia because apparently they die of thirst.
Dylan: Still me af.
Photos courtesy of here