Ditch Your Digital Detox: Moments of Pause V

digital detox
Welcome to Moments of Pause, a weekly catalogue of whatever’s been needling you: a list of all the things so odd/pertinent/funny/serious/catchy/confusing that you just had to re-evaluate your friendships, purge your Facebook friends’ list, and post “ONLY 352 OF YOU MOFOs HAVE SURVIVED.” For our 5th edition of the year here is a collage of the very important things that stuck in our illustrious contributors’ brains this past week, those shiver-inducing gag-reflexive oh-so-edifying moments of pause that define life (OR IS IT) in the 21st Century.

1. A Haunting – Ned Hardy

Weeks go by and yet my mind remains fixated on this photograph that animatronic fembot Callista Gingrich tweeted last month.

There’s something sinister going on here. The untouched glass of chardonnay? The five-legged Lamassurelief in the background? The bubbling cauldron of beef? That fucking smile? GOP resident witch. I love it.

2. Something to Howl About – Abigail Schott-Rosenfield

The Paris Review’s Facebook page recently #tbt’ed the only known recording of Virginia Woolf’s warm, steady, soupily British tones. Though probably produced in some 1937 BBC radio studio, they evoke images of the orator lounging on a divan, one long hand gesturing elegantly to the tune of her own discourse. It’s always a little jarring to hear an author come to life through the speakers—in my head, To the Lighthousedidn’t sound quite so plummy. But plumminess has its pros. Having trouble sleeping? Click “play” and imagine Virginia sitting by your bedside, Grecian profile turned towards middle distance, lulling you into dreamland over the hills and dales of her drawl.

3. A Controversy – Loralee Sepsey

I never learned how to ride a bike. Don’t act like bike-riding is the most sacred tenet of our society and treat me like a heretic for not conforming to your white-1980s-Americana-play-outside-everyday-and-eat-barbecued-hot-dogs-made-by-your-dad-wearing-socks-and-sandals standards.

I’m 100000% certain that there’s some kind of underground Stanford conspiracy to wipe out us non-bike-riding freaks. How is it that almost every morning when I’m walking to Italian class, I’m almost trampled by seemingly “careless” (are you careless, purple Schwinn?? or am I your TARGET?!?!?) bikers??? Why have I been conditioned to be terrified to cross the Main Quad in fears of being rolled to death???

I’m onto you, two-wheelers. This injustice will END.

4. Missed Connections – Katie Nesser

Erykah Badu is blatantly ignoring my tweets inviting her to DJ Wine and Cheese but we’re still cool as long as she keeps providing excellent content on her personal Facebook. Erykah, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late. #ErykahDJWineAndCheese, let’s get this trending, fam.

5. Plagiarizing Progressives – Bojan Srb

So I think The Advocate and Out.com have the same social media person. And boy are they lazy. And cryptic.

lazy social media lazy social media 2 lazy social media 3 lazy social media 4

6. Grand(e) Slam – Nikki Tran

I found Ariana Grande’s real Facebook profile a few weeks back. It was a long journey. I faced many false starts, and dead-ends, but after several hours of research (#marketableskills) I finally stumbled upon the real deal–not her official, verified page with 28 million likes, but the one where she replies to comments from her mother. Oh, stars, they’re just like us!!!

Now, whenever I feel sad or lonely or stressed out, I go onto Ariana’s profile and comfort myself with the fact that a pop princess like her has some prof pics that have barely hit 10 likes. While her lack of likes may suggest that she carefully selects her friends, selectivity doesn’t explain everything, especially since she has a few prof pics with 100+ likes. With my very limited statistical knowledge (thanks, STATS 60), I interpret this to mean that Ariana has at least 100 friends–most of whom don’t feel compelled to give her a cyber thumbs-up on a regular basis. Maybe being famous means having many fans and little friends. Maybe it means that likes don’t matter. Whatever the case may be, it gives me hope until I realize that I have a stats quiz to study for and Ariana’s net worth is $12 million.

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