Dear Flabby #3: Weeping for the Children

DEMON-ABBYDear Flabby,

Woe is me! I’m a senior trying to finish up a few requirements so I can graduate. There’s a class I really need to take, and it’s not offered next quarter so this is my last chance. But I walk in on the first day, and the TA is the guy I drunkenly hooked up with last year! I don’t think I can get out of taking the class—how can I at least minimize the awkwardness?

Stuck Between a Fifth Year and a Hard Place

 

Dear Stuck,

Have you ever seen Breaking Bad? It’s a beautiful love story that I find doubles as a sort of map to success, but way back in season two, our hero Walter White comes up with the perfect get-out-of-jail free card: a fugue state. This simple, completely medically accurate excuse can free you of the consequences of any past behavior! So pretend not to even recognize this fellow, and if he’s really determined to bring up the past, just explain that you were in a fugue state for all of last year and really can’t be held accountable for sleeping with a no-chill guy.

Here’s to Walter White,

Flabby

 

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Dear Flabby,

I’ve been having a recurring dream that’s really freaking me out! It always starts with me in bed, but perched on the edge of my bed is my roommate, eyes wide, sucking his thumb and gently sobbing. I know it has to be a dream because when my alarm goes off in the morning, he’s in his own bed, sound asleep! What is my subconscious telling me?

Dreaming in a Double

 

Dear Dreaming,

Ideally, I’d recommend you read the revered Sigmund Freud’s The Interpretation of Dreams. Freudian psychology changed my life and really made me the woman I am today! But I understand that as a student you likely don’t have the time to devote to a book (can your generation even make it through my advice column? I weep for you children). But because I am so versed in Freudian dream analysis, let me take a crack at it. My analyst says it’s best to start with your mother when interpreting dreams. Perhaps you view your roommate as a nurturing figure, guarding over your metaphorical crib as you fitfully sleep? Have you done something to make your mother cry? Or maybe your roommate is far too involved in your life, like an overbearing parent, the type who would watch you while you sleep. The overlap between dreams and reality is incredible!

Hope this helps!

Flabby

P.S. The thumb is a phallus, as almost goes without saying.

 

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Dear Flabby,

Last quarter was absolute academic trainwreck for me. Ever since kindergarten, I have always come home with perfect report cards, thrilled to show my parents my teachers’ feedback. But this quarter, it all caught up to me. Flabby, I’m so embarrassed to write this, but I made a B+. I feel like my entire identity is in crisis! What grad school wants a B+ student? What mother could love a B+ student? Should I just give up now before it gets worse?

Frantically,

Unemployable in Ujamaa  

 

Dear Unemployable,

It’s always tough to lose a vital part of your identity. If I ever lost my column, and thus the ability to guide lost souls such as yourself, I would be devastated. But you know what? I’d survive. And that is due to the power of my Double Ds: Denial and Distraction. Keep yourself at a distance from your regrets and failures. Bury the pain under attractive distractions like junk food, sleep, and illicit unmarked substances. Some people call these “Band-Aids,” but you know what? Band-Aids fucking work. They keep infections out and have a calming power both physical and psychological. Slap ‘em on.

Keep on truckin’,

Flabby

 

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Dear Flabby,

How do I get up the nerve to talk to the hottie I always see at CoHo? I once saw her watching Dora the Explorer on Netflix—it’s not every day I meet another Doraholic, especially not one my age! Even though I’ve never met her and know nothing about her other than that we both love the intrepid discoverer and her primate companion Boots, I think this girl is really special, so I don’t want to freak her out or miss my chance! What’s a surefire way to get her to give me a chance?

I Wanna Be A-Dora-ed

 

Dear A-Dora-ed,

Not to crush your Netflix For Kids and Chill dreams, but have you considered the possibility that she was just watching a clip on Youtube? Or maybe she’s a preschool teacher? Or perhaps you didn’t see the screen correctly. We here at Dear Flabby HQ get a lot of delusional people writing us but this gives me pause. However, this seems like a low risk-high reward delusion so let’s just operate under the assumption that sure, you both love Dora the Explorer. You could sit with your laptop in her view, pop on some Dora, and see if she takes the bait. If you’re feeling more aggressive, you could throw together some fan art with you two in it, or invite her to explore your heart.

Honestly, don’t get your hopes up, you little weirdo.

Flabby

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