Dear Flabby #2: Uppers, Downers, and Candycorn

DEMON ABBY

Dear Flabby,

I’ve been dating a guy for the past six months, and he’s invited me to come to Thanksgiving at his house. It’ll be my first time meeting his family–can you give me some advice on how to tone down my alternative image in order to fit in with a “Middle American” image of dateability? I really want to impress them!

Sincerely,

Not the Type to Take Home

 

Dear Not the Type,

With the scant information you’ve provided, I gather you really like this guy! Must be nice. Mr. Flabby and I haven’t liked each other since 1987. What I’ve noticed about Middle America from my brief years there is that these people love being in on a secret. Let each member of your beau’s family in on a secret–the secret doesn’t even have to be true, it just has to make you seem vulnerable. It’s the fastest way to trick people into thinking you have any semblance of an emotional connection to them! And as for your look, rock a middle part and don’t wear eyeliner. Virginal realness.

Bring a flask,

Flabby

* * *

Dear Flabby,

I’m worried my girlfriend is cheating on me. Her phone is always blowing up, and some of her male friends are pretty touchy-feely with her, always calling her “queen” and “baby” on Instagram, and watching all her favorite movies with her. Last night I walked in on her and her “friend” watching Clueless together and snuggling! How can I find out if she’s being disloyal?

Sincerely,

Cuckolded in Crothers

Dear Cuckolded,

Wow. I almost envy you. You have a cinema-style caper ahead of you and I wish I could be there to watch. There’s the typical spy gadgets you can use to garner information, or you could figure out a John Tucker Must Die situation if that fits your fancy. But be careful! You wouldn’t want to ruin what sounds like a super-healthy relationship should your suspicions prove unfounded. You might also want to consider one last possibility–are these friends of hers gay? Double-check that before you wire her room.

Have fun, my little Nancy Drew!

Flabby

* * *

Dear Flabby,

I’m very committed to my stoner image, but I’m thinking it’s time to take it to the next level. I’ve always been afraid to try harder drugs, but what else am I to do when the novelty of my stoner image wears thin?

Sincerely,

Solemnly Stoned

Dear Solemnly,

In my years, I have been on uppers, downers, and candy corn. I’ve seen it all, and only about half of it was an LSD fueled hallucination. The one piece of advice that has never steered me wrong is to make sure you’re in a comfortable environment before you try any drug for the first time. You want it to feel like home! For me, this was actor Milo Ventimiglia’s penthouse in Brooklyn while he was on vacation, but for you it might be different. Make sure you’re with people you trust, and remember: what’s the worst that could happen? You’ll be great.

Have fun, be safe, say your prayers,

Flabby

* * *

Dear Flabby,

All the social and political upheaval going on lately has really got me buggin! I used to be able to pass as active ally to people of color, but now that action is being demanded of me, the facade is starting to fall. How can I maintain my woke reputation without having to sacrifice my time and energy?

Sincerely,

#MyLifeMatters

 

Dear Hashtag,

You’re a bad person and everyone can tell.

Cheers,

Flabby

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