Welcome to Moments of Pause, a now monthly catalogue of whatever’s been needling you: a list of all the things so odd/pertinent/funny/serious/catchy/confusing that you just had to jam out to a 10-hour long version of the Little Einsteins’ Theme Song Remix. For our 6th edition of the year here is a collage of the very important things that stuck in our illustrious contributors’ brains this past week, those shiver-inducing gag-reflexive oh-so-edifying moments of pause that define life (OR IS IT) in the 21st Century.
1. Lab Safety’s For Losers…Feel the Burn – Sophia Laurenzi
In the aftermath of Super Tuesday, let us not forget the true sufferings of this nation.
2. Rough Patch – Ned Hardy
Gravel driveways aren’t very good at keeping secrets.
3. The Best Film of Its Kind, SERIOUSLY? – Eugenia Puglisi
I’m no film expert, but I have to say, after watching Mad Max: Fury Road win like a thousand Oscars, I was appalled. When I saw it I thought it was some total flop over-produced movie, and then I learned it was actually a big deal and people were raving about it. And then I learned it was nominated for Best Picture. While I can appreciate the admittedly rad stunts in the movie carried out in the Namibian desert, part of this evoked a kind of ridiculous Burning Man-gone-completely-and-utterly wrong thing for me. To make matters worse, whats all this talk about it having a “social commentary” on feminism? What part of five sex slaves, who were all played by ex-models and carefully chosen based on various hair colors and skin shades, being carted off by Charlize Theron– who, as the only truly badass female character, was made to look purposefully unattractive– has any trace of feminism? While I agree that women being rescued by a woman from a primitive oppressive patriarchy is pretty cool, there were definitely better ways to do this. Maybe minus the linen resort wear all of them were wearing and the heinous cancerous sores on the men we were forced to look at for the whole movie. I get that the world could end up that way if we don’t take care of it (Thanks for the mini apocalyptic warning speech which was, for once, duly cut off by that annoying Oscars music), but I really don’t want people telling me its feminist or pleasant to watch. I’m trying to enjoy life while we still don’t have to spray paint into our mouths.
4. Drained – Nicole Phillips
It was about three in the morning. Dark. The streets were quiet. The wind was brisk. I was almost home, when slight movement in my periphery caused me to slow my rapid pedaling. A small head whipped around. Bright eyes. It was a raccoon. Then it jumped into the sewer without hesitation.
Same, I thought.
5. If You Can’t Handle The Heat, It’s Gonna Suck in Hell – Katie Nesser
Today in forgotten news stories about minor celebrities: Ina Garten, the so-called Barefoot Contessa may not actually be shoeless behind her kitchen counter, but she is in fact soulless. Way back in 2011, six-year-old cancer patient Enzo Pereda was denied his Make-A-Wish request to meet and cook a meal with Garten, whom he had faithfully watched as he was sick in bed. The Contessa was supposedly tied up with “book tours” and “life.” Now with five years of hindsight, I’d just like to ask, was it worth it Ina? Did your book tour earn you enough karma to make up for Enzo’s tears? Can you sleep at night knowing Enzo had to move onto his second wish, adorably swimming with dolphins? I’m never wearing my shent again.
6. A Long and Happy Life – Loralee Sepsey
RIP to all of the Leonardo DiCaprio Doesn’t Have an Oscar memes. You’ll be remembered fondly.
7. Hot Night, Wind Was Blowing – Anthony Milki
The guy in front of me at the Carly Rae show farted nonstop for at least an hour, either one very long and weak one or many short bursts I’m not sure. Someone also threw about a hundred balloons at the crowd and amid the yummy smell my mortal enemy, popping balloons, imbued the night. Sensory bliss.
8. Back In My Day… – Nikki Tran
I’m subscribed to a Youtube channel called WhatsUpMoms (in the words of Sex and the City’s Miranda: “I love it. It’s my thing. Let it go.”) and I’ve started to notice so many comments that are some variation of this: “Hi I’m 10.” The concerned uncle in me wants to tell these sweet lambs to go back to Club Penguin, to Minecraft, to wherever the nasty bits of the Internet can’t get them, but then I remember my own youth spent online. When I was 11, I was one of the top ranked Answerers on YahooAnswers’ Teen/Parenting section, which meant that I had the best answers to questions like “How can I be less paranoid around my friends?” and “What is wrong with talking about yourself in the 3rd person?” My personal favorite question of all time: “My mom won’t let me use deodorant!?” My answer: “Maybe she just doesn’t want you to grow up.” I was so wise. Maybe I should give these 10-year-olds a break. Maybe the Internet isn’t such a big and scary place. I mean I was once young(er) and posting semi-private information for all to see, and I turned out alright (I think).